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Not a Gender Binary

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Not a Gender Binary

I’m a 23 year old unaltered trans-man. I’ve been out to a select group of people since I was 21. I don’t tell everyone that I’m trans*, because I am scared.

I’ve internalized trans-phobia so much that something as simple as going to the bathroom is emotionally draining. I either choose to actively live as my true self (and use the men’s bathroom), or deny who I am for fear of what would happen to me in the bathroom. It makes me cry sometimes.

I’m so scared of being murdered. Trans* people are much more likely to be murdered than any other group, especially trans* people of color (I’m half Latino). Trans* people are also more likely to commit suicide. I don’t plan on doing myself in though. I’ve gone far past that.

I’m so scared that I can’t even bring myself to come out to my dad. I also can’t come out to some people in my dad’s family, not because I think they wouldn’t accept me, but because I fear them accidentally letting it spill to my dad. I’m afraid of how disappointed he would be, and I just don’t want to let him down.

Dating is a nightmare too.

I am just tired of all the transphobic bullshit that keeps me from living as my authentic self.

So when I finally decide to tell someone, it takes trust. But people immediately break that trust by asking about my genitals.

The main question I get is “When are you transitioning?”

My genitals are my business. That question makes me feel like my body isn’t really my business anymore, which is really hurtful. What I do with my body shouldn’t be anyone’s concern but mine. When I do tell them that I don’t plan on transitioning, I am either met with confusion, or I’m told that I’m not really trans*… and that I should go fucking kill myself for being a jerk.

I don’t plan on transitioning. NOT ALL TRANS PEOPLE TRANSITION!! I refuse to subscribe to the ideals of a gender binary.

This confuses and angers people, when all they should really be concerned about is whether or not I am living my life the way I want. While I have not yet fully recognized my ideal for the life I want, I’ve made significant strides. Is it so hard to understand that I like my life as a person who openly defies gender norms? Why can’t I just live my life as me? Why can’t I wear what clothes I want? Why must I conform to the gender binary in one form of another?

Thoughts

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